I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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