I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
