I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
