I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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