considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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