I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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