I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It was confusing and full of hummus
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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