I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I could fuck to npr.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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