Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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