You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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