if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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