Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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