I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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