I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You made out with two different species that night
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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