it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
