Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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