Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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