OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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