I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
