Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I wish there were birth control emojis
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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