Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
People in love make me want to vomit
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
FUCK WHALES
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
