Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
