ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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