Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
