i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So much rum. So many feels.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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