Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
