I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
