I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
