Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
