Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
