Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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