So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
