I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
