His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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