he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
FUCK WHALES
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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