you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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