I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just blew my weed a kiss
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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