Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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