If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
