I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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