Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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