Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
