I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
