Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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