I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We are all done wearing pants today
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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