I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize