Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
