If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How does it feel to date your dad?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
