i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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