Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
