I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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