he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
