Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
