It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
