WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
