i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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