If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
