just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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