i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
