apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
