she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
