you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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