The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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