I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
